Memories
by mariska23fan
Summary: Olivia remembers some things from her pasts after a difficult case. 2nd chapter now up!
1. Memories

Memories

a/n Thank you to April and Gena for checking out the story and helping to fix it.

Olivia's POV

I heard a knocking on my door. It had to be Elliot. Who else on this earth would care that I had just captured the asshole that had been abusing his sweet little girl for years, yet had left in a hurry so no one could see my tears. Elliot saw them, he's the only one who really knows me, knows my past. But even he doesn't know the intimate details.

"Olivia, let me in! Come on Liv, let me be there for you." He knew better than to say the word help. I always insist I can do things alone, as I always have, but with Elliot there to lean on, I can do them so much better.

"Don't break my door down." I said as I let him in finally, then turning around to sit on the sofa in the living room. "Geesh, the way you're carrying on, you'd think I was about ready to blow something up. I'm a big girl El, I'm not going to harm myself or anyone else."

Elliot walked over to me on the couch. "Liv, I know you can handle whatever comes your way, but do you want to talk about it?"

Talk about it? No, I didn't want to talk about it. I never wanted to talk about it, but somehow I always found myself pouring out my soul to Elliot. "Fine," I sighed letting him keep the hand on my knee that he had just placed there. "Once again, things just hit too close to home. You'd think it wouldn't be any big deal, I mean, that's why I joined this squad, to right the wrongs that have been done to my mother and me, to change the world for the better and heal at the same time. Instead, each case seems to tear the wounds back open and shove the knife right back in."

My partner stared at me for a few seconds before asking me his next question, the one thing I didn't want him to ask. "What about this case reminded you about your past?"

"Other than everything, El, I've been through it all! I know how that little girl felt when she was running from her father who was chasing her with a knife. My mother did that to me. She ran around the apartment screaming at me that I was a bitch, and didn't deserve the oxygen I was breathing. I remember another time, her yelling at me about some stupid thing, and me and my big mouth calling her a slut. Right after those words left my mouth, I saw something in her eyes that I don't think I have ever seen before. It was pure anger. Anger so deep, I was afraid for my life for the first time ever. I mean, she's hurt me before, but this time I don't think I could honestly say it was the alcohol that was to blame. I had hit a nerve so deep, and when she came at me with that look in her eyes, I was sure it was the end for me. I screamed for her to leave, to just go away, and to my astonishment, she did. This poor eight-year-old girl knows exactly what I went through. But she is so much stronger than I was. She told someone finally. She broke the silence of all that pain and torture and came to us for help. We were able to take care of things, so that she wouldn't have to ever suffer like that again. Maybe she can heal faster, and move on with her life." Wow, I didn't know I could say all that in one breath. It was certainly a lot more than I had planned on releasing.

I began sobbing and Elliot took me into his arms and held me until no more tears could fall. I had cried for all the times my mother hurt me, and I had never told anyone. All of the times I had hid in my room, terrified she was going to come in and start something. I had spent most of my childhood hiding. When I wasn't opening my all too big mouth that is. I can't count the number of times I said something that just egged her on. But it was the silent times that bothered me even more. Would it have ended for me too, had I said something? Very rarely did I have a bruise that couldn't be covered up and hidden. No one ever had a clue that something had happened to me, so I was never put into a position to betray my mother.

Elliot finally broke the silence. "Liv, there is a big difference between telling someone that they should seek help immediately if something bad is happening to them, and being the one in that position. You loved your mother despite everything she had put you through. She was transferring her hatred of what had been done to her, to you, the most innocent of it all."

"Since when did you become a psychologist? Been hanging around Huang a little too long?" I laughed in spite of myself.

"Sometimes I think so." He chuckled. "Maybe you should write about it? Even if it's just something for your eyes only, it might help to get these feelings out on paper. Doesn't even have to be a 'true' story either. You can write a fictional story about someone that goes through what you have, and how they felt."

I looked at Elliot strangely but then realized that it definitely couldn't hurt anything. I walked over to my desk and grabbed my laptop. My thoughts flowed through my fingertips like a rushing river, not being able to stop. Finally I was finished. Poor Elliot had fallen asleep and I realized I had been writing for three hours straight. Wow, I hadn't expected that! I put a blanket over Elliot and wandered into the kitchen. Elliot would be hungry when he woke up, plus, he had a lot of reading to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Memories Chapter 2

A/N I don't own them :) And thanks to my sole reviewer :)

It had been two weeks since I had poured out my heart and soul onto a bunch of blank pages. Two weeks since I had last been able to look Elliot straight in the eye. I've told him about my past before, but I don't think he had any idea how far it had gone. It was something that you definitely couldn't tell your new partner, (hey, nice to meet you Elliot, I'm Olivia, survivor of some of the worst abuse that has ever plagued your nightmares, yeah that would go over well), and it also wasn't something that you brought up years later when you had become best friends, soul mates if you will. It's almost too late then, like why didn't you tell me before. Now, that has all changed. Elliot knows how my mom would be in a drunken stupor, while watching her current boyfriend use me as an ashtray for his cigars and various other atrocities that no one would even write a horror novel about as it would be too terrible to put into words. Again.

My mind keeps replaying scenes from my childhood over and over again. _"Olivia Benson, where are you? Mommy just wants to talk.!" I cowered in the closet of my room knowing that talking was the last thing that was about to happen. It was the perfect place to hide. It was narrow, but long and had two rows of clothing hung, and a few trunks in the back. All I had to do is climb up on top of those trunks, and the clothes hid me from view. I was lucky as it was one of the last few places mom hadn't found yet. I heard her enter my room, still slurring my name as she started to ransack the place. I had learned a long time ago to not leave important personal belongings out in the open, or they would be destroyed. Now she is opening the closet door and my heart stops. Please don't let her find me, please! I didn't realize I was holding my breath until she slammed the door shut and I let it all out. _

_I waited there listening to her crash about the apartment before I finally heard the front door bang shut into the frame. I knew she wouldn't be home for hours when there were no less than 10 bars in a 5 block radius around the building. Quietly, I creep out of my hiding spot, making sure that the closet looks the same as before I went in there. As long as I had to remain in this house, I couldn't take the chance of my only hiding place being discovered. I pulled up the corner of the floor rug that covered the beautiful wood floors in my room, revealing a trap door of sorts. I open it up and pull out the backpack I kept in there. In it, I was keeping as many items as I would need to runaway. I had been planning this for awhile. I'm just waiting until the time is right. _

A crash brings me back to the present. I look over to see Munch fighting with the coffee pot. "John, please, what did that poor coffee pot ever do to you?"

"Ha ha, very funny."

"I thought so. I can see how it would have quite a few grievances with you though…I can only imagine what it feels like to have that sludge in me for hours and hours on end."

Just then the phone rang. A woman explained through her tears that she was calling to report a rape. I took down her name, address and phone number and told her we were on our way. "El, we got a vic. Let's go." We grab our coats and walk out the station doors.

We drove the first few miles in silence. I was still not sure how he felt about my little novel. I knew I had to speak up. I couldn't stand the awkwardness. "Elliot, I'm sorry."

"What? Liv, what are you apologizing for?"

"I'm sorry for forcing all of that on you. It was too much. I'm so glad you had me write it all out, it really did help, I'm just not sure it was such a great idea to have you read it. You already knew about me, knew that my past was hardly the Brady Bunch, you didn't need to know the details. Now you know of the sexual abuse from the many men coming and going through and I'm afraid that you are going to look at me differently. I don't want to be seen as a victim, I want to be seen as the woman who overcame tragedy and has made a good life for herself."

"Olivia! This doesn't change how I feel about you. If anything, I'm even more impressed with how you live your life now. To go through what you have, and come out the wonderful, caring woman you are, I find it truly amazing, and a testament to your true character."

Tears began welling up in my eyes. Elliot always amazed me. I really don't think I could ever find someone that even came close to how awesome he is. I jump out of the car the second it stops. "Thanks Elliot, let's go talk to Sienna Mackinaw now, she needs us."

We step up to the door of a nice townhouse. It was definitely proof that tragedy was impartial. I knock on the door and a young lady, probably about the age of 17, came to the door, tears streaking down her face. Elliot and I opened our badges. "Thank you for coming so quickly," she said as she opened the door wider.

"We want to find out what happened to you and go after the person as quickly as possible Sienna. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I came home from school, and I found the door was unlocked. I figured my mom had come home from work early, or had stopped by to pick up something before she had to head out again. I called out for her and…" The tears were becoming thicker again, and I could tell she was having a hard time getting the words to come out.

"Just take your time." I put my hand on her shoulder; a gesture I hoped would put her at ease a little bit. "My mom's fiancé was waiting for me in the kitchen. He just stood there like I should have expected him to be in my home when no one else was around. He grabbed me and put a knife to my throat and forced me to go upstairs. That's when he raped me."


End file.
